[.To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.]

Lance and I went into Home Goods the other day to look around... Bad idea..
Well, we saw this ginormous glass vase and needed a good reason to buy it.  So we decided that once it is full of our change we will be able to go on a vacation.
As of right now we are saving up to go to Nauvoo summer of 2014. 

This might take a while...

This last weekend we went to Brooke's first soccer game.  It was hot, but she still pulled through.  She is an aggressive little bugger.

We also went to the family/friends bbq down in Sandy and played some softball.  Well, not me, but others did :)

I have officially stared my last semester of college.  I am so freaking stoked!!  I love my last few classes!  Especially leadership and senior seminar!
  I cannot wait to get started doing personal training FULL TIME!  I'm loving my job!  Definitely a change, but a good change.  New things to get used to, but once I develop my own system and get organized, which I will, things will be good!  I actually have a couple hours during the day to run errands, imagine that!  It's been nice.  I'm getting loaded with consultations, which only leads to more clients.  Can't wait to graduate!  One, for a raise :) and two, to kiss school goodbye and move on to what I love!

I've often heard, if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life!  Well.. I am finding that to be the truth.  I know I will officially be able to say that those 13 semesters of hell school were worth it.

What will I do when I can actually go on vacation and not have to worry about school?

Can't wait for Jackson tomorrow!!


did I mention I have the studliest dog in the world??

I think so.. 
I will miss him while we're gone.

[.everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day.]

I may post this a couple days after I write it, it just depends how I feel.  Those that know me know that I will always be real and honest about anything and everything I do.  That being said, I do not feel like I have to hold feelings back or cover how I'm really feeling.  It only helps to express how you're feeling rather than to hold them in.  Here it is.

Today: 08.15.2011

My emotions have been on a drastic roller coaster the last couple weeks.  

I've had many thoughts run through my head.

I know that I'm always going a million miles an hour, but I seem to be more exhausted than ever with constant thoughts occupying space in my brain.

I've always wondered when this day would come and what it would be like.

Lance said to take a pregnancy test, when I was two days late.

Usually I've been fine to take one, but this time I had a feeling it would be positive and was hesitant to do so.

Some may call me crazy, but I knew the second it happened.

On August 11, I found out I was pregnant.
I couldn't even believe it.
Seeing that second line appear on the test, my jaw dropped and I covered my mouth not knowing how to respond.

The line was faint, but it was still there.

I wanted to smile but felt nervous not being 100% sure about my insurance.

Lance gave me a kiss and told me it was okay to smile.

I felt relieved immediately.

I took a couple more tests - still faint.

I figured, "the line shows, obviously the hormone is there."

Lance and I went to the store to buy a digital test, so I knew for a fact, that I was indeed pregnant.

And that was the case.

I've always wanted to wait til I was showing, and have people ask me if I was pregnant.  However, the second I found out I wanted to shout it to the world.  We figured we would wait to tell people until our insurance was taken care of.

I didn't sleep an ounce that night.

Thoughts popped in and out of my head every minute it seemed.

It didn't feel real to me.

I felt like I couldn't make eye contact with anyone because they would immediately know what was going on.  And if anyone knows me, I'm all about eye contact.  I feel that the eyes are definitely the way into someones soul (call me crazy, i know).

A couple days passed and after looking at the test for what seemed like hours, I finally felt like I had accepted the fact that my life would be changed forever.

We were so excited!

Sunday came along and we figured it would be an appropriate time to tell the parents.  Then tell siblings and others a few weeks later.

After we had just finished telling everyone I felt like something bad had just happened.
I went into the bathroom and my first thought was, "this seems like more than 'spotting'".
I hollered for Lance and he quickly came, he told me not to worry just yet.  Walking out of the bathroom I felt like something was wrong, almost like the 'spoke too soon' sort of feeling.

Waking up this morning, the feeling of happiness and acceptance soon turned to a feeling of loss and sadness.  I was afraid to go into the bathroom, I knew what I would see and didn't want to accept it.  As I was holding back the tears I asked Lance to come into the bathroom.

I couldn't help but break down.  My feelings of utter excitement immediately turned to a blank page.  What just happened?

Lance told me that I wasn't going into work and that we needed to get me to a doctor.  I called my insurance company just to assure myself that my insurance was no longer.  I found out that it was still there. (I don't know why I was told I no longer had insurance if this was the case? That's a whole different story.)

I called my OB/GYN and asked if there was an opening to come in as soon as possible.  I was told to come over in the next 45 minutes.

Lance and I went into the office and we were quickly called in.  I had an ultra sound and the doctor said that a baby was definitely forming.

She also said that I seemed heavy, but the chance of still being pregnant was possible.  Small, but possible.

I felt somewhat hopeful, but still wasn't assured that I was still pregnant.

Another lady came in and drew some blood.  She said that they would test it and see what my hcg levels were.  Then I'd have to go in again on Wednesday to re-test.  If the levels go up, I'm still pregnant.  If they are lower, I am not.

Today, I felt quiet and numb.

I've thought a lot about what some might think when going through this situation.

I would guess that some blame others?  I would guess that some would think something was wrong with them?

This thought came to me.  Although this is not the case for me, some might think that this happening could be a sign that they are not meant to be together.  That is not the case for me.  I've known some of my friends that have been in this situation but i thought of one couple in particular.
Steven and Kari Reimann.  I know, without a doubt, that they are meant to be.

But I believe everything happens for a reason.

I know that people miscarry because it wouldn't have been a healthy pregnancy.

The weirdest part is knowing that yesterday I was pregnant, and today I am not.

I haven't cried this much in a long time.

Today: 08.17.2011

As Lance and I have been talking, we both know that it could have been worse.  I could have been further along and could have formed a closer bond, which would have only made it more difficult to lose.

I received a phone call yesterday from the doctor being informed that my hcg levels were at a 6.  I was told that people have been pregnant at a number 5 before.

I went into the doctor this morning to get my blood drawn, again (to see if my hcg levels have changed).
I won't know the final results until tomorrow, but I still don't feel it.

I don't feel pregnant anymore.

It was a confirmation the second the doctor finished drawing my blood and looked me in the eyes and said, "We will find out tomorrow."  
Feeling like it was just a waste of money and paying for an answer that I already knew.

Walking out of the doctors office I felt queezy.  The elevator only made it worse, causing me to black out.  Although, I was till conscious (and could barely see) I walked out of the elevator and sat down on the bench before even contemplating getting into my car.  At least if I passed out, I wanted someone to know about it.  I sat down and looked at my phone.  I had 6 new messages of concern, love and support from those that know.  It made me feel so grateful to know that I have so many people who are willing to talk to me.

As I was driving home, I had a voice mail from my Grandma Hamblin (I wasn't going to tell grandparents I was even pregnant for a few more weeks).  I called her back and she was so happy!  "Oh, Kendra!  I heard the news!!" - I thought to myself, "which news?" and was curious who told her -  I said, "Did you hear it all?"  She replied, "Brooklyn, told me she had a secret then said she could tell me because I was family!  That's so exciting!"  As excited as I wished I could have been I informed her that I had lost it.  It was so hard.  I wanted so badly to be excited with her.  The second she mentioned Brooklyn my stomach dropped.

Now, I think the hardest part will be telling Brooklyn what happened.
Will she understand?
She's going to be devastated.

I hope this goes well...

Today: 08.18.2011

Brooklyn handled it better than I thought, although she was still sad.

I got my final results back from the doctor saying I was at a level 2.  There we have it.  Negative.

I'm hoping that by this happening, it won't take away from the excitement I want to have the next time we find out we will be having a new addition to our family.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, or for people to feel bad for me.  I'm writing this because it is an outlet where I can say how I feel.

I'm so grateful for my family and friends, and how supportive they've been to me.  I'm glad to have sisters that are willing to be there for me and friends that immediately jump at helping me feel better. You know who you are :)

I love that Rudy knows how I'm feeling.

I could not ask for a better husband.  I love how cute he was when he knew he'd be a daddy and how caring he is about my feelings when he knows this is a rough time.

I don't like to show when I'm sad because I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I've never liked that people will just blab about themselves for hours and not even ask how you are doing, so I don't like to bring it up unless I'm asked.  But I needed somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings.

There have been plenty of rough times in my life, but what doesn't kill you only make you stronger.  I know that for a fact.

Although I was only 5 weeks, I still grew somewhat attached.

I found a couple of poems online that helped make me feel better about things.

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

After reading this post a few times, at first I cried every time, now it just seems like I'm reading someone else's story.  When really, it's mine.

[.Faith in God includes Faith in his timing.]

A lot has happened the last couple of weeks.
I lost my job.  At least I think?
Which also means, I lost insurance.
It's a long story, I'll skip a few details and move on.  So I called up Chad from paces asking him if there was any way possible he could work me close to full time, realizing this could be totally unrealistic.  He said he'd help me the best that he could.  I've picked up a few shifts and have been entirely grateful to even get those.
A little background...
All last semester I interned at Lifelong Fitness.  My uncle Griff's gym.  I've always wanted to work there because I respect it so much.  It's always scared me though because I didn't want to feel like a "mooch", or that I was just handed a job.  It bothers me that others might look at it and think, "oh, she just has that job because her uncle owns it" or "it was his obligation to hire her".  I can't stand that thought.  So, as much as that being exactly what I want, it's always just been a thought in my head that I've pushed to the very back of my mind.  I figured, once I get my degree I will become an independent contractor and do my own thing.
So, I ended that internship last week.  Griff had mentioned doing some assistant work for him once September came around, and I was excited to just be doing that.
Yesterday at Paces I listened to a voice mail from Griff telling me to call him back and that he wanted to talk about a few things.
When I called him back he let me know that one of the 4 trainers at Lifelong would be leaving.  Not only is she leaving, but she'll be gone in a week and wanted to know if I would like her position.
I freaked a little at that very moment.  The tears were pretty close but didn't ever show.
I've always known that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is everything.  I know that I can plan out my life accordingly, but it won't all go exactly as planned.
I can't believe that he felt I was adequate enough to take her position.
I'm overly excited to get started.  A little overwhelmed, and somewhat nervous but mostly 
excited.  I'm only hoping that her clients will approve of me.
Usually it takes years to build up a clientele.  I will already have 18-19 clients when I start.
I'm extremely grateful to have come across this once in a lifetime opportunity, and believe I owe my Father in Heaven a huge thank you.  I feel, right now, that it would be the appropriate time to bear my testimony.

So here it goes...

My name is Kendra Fischer, and I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Above that, I am a daughter of a living God.  I know that my living God is my Heavenly Father who knows me personally, and has a plan for me.  I know that by obedience comes direct guidance from Him through the Holy Ghost.  I know hat my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are the 3 that make up the Godhead, but are on in purpose, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of a young woman who is trying to find her place while on Earth.  Me.  I  know that my Heavenly Father is perfectly aware of every component, every ingredient, and every aspect of my personal life.  My doubts, my desires, my dreams, my heartaches, my intentions, my goals , my frustrations, my hopes, my talents, my weaknesses, my strengths, and without Him I am nothing.  I know that my worth comes from being a virtuous daughter of God.  My worth is not accumulated by the things of this world.  I know that I was created in the image of God, therefore, I am remarkable, I am capable of everything, and I have endless amounts of potential to overcome what others would think to be impossible.  I know the love my Heavenly Father has for me is immeasurable in my mind, but I feel His love as I see to obey Him.  I feel His love when I ask.  I feel His love in the righteous things I choose to surround myself with.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ is the only true church on this earth.  I know that we have the only true prophet who is ordained of God, who is counseled by God, and who is ever valiant at leading the saints.  I know that by following Thomas S. Monson as our prophet, my life will be blesses, and I will live a life pleasing to the Lord.  I know that there are prophets of old.  I know that through the power of the Holy Ghost, Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon.  One who was so uneducated, brought about the single most inspired and influential book known to man, because of his faith and righteous desires, because of his obedience, we have the only true church restored on this earth.  I am eternally grateful for the faith, hope and determination of a 14 year old Joseph Smith who simply, and humbly asked God what he should do.  I look to his example in my life.
I know that by reading the Book of Mormon I am gen such a strength to overcome and withhold any temptation, any obstacle, and any hardship that is placed before me.  I know that by having the spirit with me, I am capable of receiving personal revelation from my Heavenly Father.  I know I can be comforted, guided, and strengthened in a world with so much turmoil and confusion.
I know that my prayers are heard.  I am also aware and know that God's will and my will are completely offset.  I find comfort in my prayers.  I find peace and I find a Friend.  My prayers are a real form of communication with my Father in Heaven.  I tell Him everything and depend on Him for the faith to only just trust in Him and His will.  I go to Him in prayer with every situation I face.  I go to Him when my heart is filled with gratitude, or emptied from sorrow.  I go to Him to ask for strength to overcome personal battles with the adversary.  I go to Him when I just need somebody to listen.  I go to Him when I just need somebody.
I know that the Holy Ghost is my constant companion if I but choose to live a worthy life for Him to reside.  I know that through Him I can be guided as the Lord would guide me.  The Holy Ghost is my constant source of peace, joy and satisfaction.  I rely on Him with every decision, every doubt, and every potential to move forward in any direction.  I have felt the Holy Ghost so strongly in my life, and I know that I must strive to always have him with me.
I know that my redeemer lives.  I know that from His sacrifice and His willingness to carry out God's will, I can be perfected into a state worthy enough to return to my Heavenly Father.
I have been broken, whether by my own choices or the actions of others.  I have felt defeated because of the adversary.  My worth has seemed non-existent at times.  My life has been viewed as pointless, unimportant, and ordinary, but even when I feel like I'm not worth it to try, I plead with my Heavenly Father to fill those empty spaces with love, mercy, and forgiveness that is forever offered through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  He saves me.  He has saved me before when I didn't feel worth of being saved, and I know He would do it again just for me.  His arms are forever stretched forth towards me.  He loves me no matter how or what I choose to be, think, or feel.  Striving to live a life like His brings me close to Him, and not only strengthens and helps me to love myself more, but it truly allows me to love others for simply being sons and daughters of a living God.  I am not perfect.  I am perfectly flawed.  I fall short in plenty of areas.  I am capable of nothing without my Savior but in contrast, I am everything when He is involved with my life.  He is my all.  He is the ultimate example that I strive to live by.  I know this to be true, and it is my prayer that we will all strive to grow close to Him until that perfect day comes.

[.the worst crime is faking it.]

The other day I made the dreaded appointment to have Rudy fixed.  I've been avoiding it at all possible.  I dropped him off this morning.  The second I pulled into the parking lot he knew something was up and started acting crazy.  The lady took him from me as I will filling out some paper work and it made me sad I didn't get to say bye to him.  Yes I know, I am that pathetic.  I picked him up after my last and final test for this semester.  I had to hold him up in the back seat as I was driving because he didn't want to lay down.  So he decided to sleep sitting down.  It was kinda funny actually.

He just hasn't been himself today...

He's a little loopy, but I'm glad he was still willing to cuddle me.

[.i've got a feeling.]

. . . . .