[.everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day.]

I may post this a couple days after I write it, it just depends how I feel.  Those that know me know that I will always be real and honest about anything and everything I do.  That being said, I do not feel like I have to hold feelings back or cover how I'm really feeling.  It only helps to express how you're feeling rather than to hold them in.  Here it is.


Today: 08.15.2011


My emotions have been on a drastic roller coaster the last couple weeks.  


I've had many thoughts run through my head.


I know that I'm always going a million miles an hour, but I seem to be more exhausted than ever with constant thoughts occupying space in my brain.


I've always wondered when this day would come and what it would be like.


Lance said to take a pregnancy test, when I was two days late.


Usually I've been fine to take one, but this time I had a feeling it would be positive and was hesitant to do so.


Some may call me crazy, but I knew the second it happened.


On August 11, I found out I was pregnant.
I couldn't even believe it.
Seeing that second line appear on the test, my jaw dropped and I covered my mouth not knowing how to respond.


The line was faint, but it was still there.


I wanted to smile but felt nervous not being 100% sure about my insurance.


Lance gave me a kiss and told me it was okay to smile.


I felt relieved immediately.


I took a couple more tests - still faint.


I figured, "the line shows, obviously the hormone is there."


Lance and I went to the store to buy a digital test, so I knew for a fact, that I was indeed pregnant.


And that was the case.


I've always wanted to wait til I was showing, and have people ask me if I was pregnant.  However, the second I found out I wanted to shout it to the world.  We figured we would wait to tell people until our insurance was taken care of.


I didn't sleep an ounce that night.


Thoughts popped in and out of my head every minute it seemed.


It didn't feel real to me.


I felt like I couldn't make eye contact with anyone because they would immediately know what was going on.  And if anyone knows me, I'm all about eye contact.  I feel that the eyes are definitely the way into someones soul (call me crazy, i know).


A couple days passed and after looking at the test for what seemed like hours, I finally felt like I had accepted the fact that my life would be changed forever.


We were so excited!


Sunday came along and we figured it would be an appropriate time to tell the parents.  Then tell siblings and others a few weeks later.


After we had just finished telling everyone I felt like something bad had just happened.
I went into the bathroom and my first thought was, "this seems like more than 'spotting'".
I hollered for Lance and he quickly came, he told me not to worry just yet.  Walking out of the bathroom I felt like something was wrong, almost like the 'spoke too soon' sort of feeling.


Waking up this morning, the feeling of happiness and acceptance soon turned to a feeling of loss and sadness.  I was afraid to go into the bathroom, I knew what I would see and didn't want to accept it.  As I was holding back the tears I asked Lance to come into the bathroom.


I couldn't help but break down.  My feelings of utter excitement immediately turned to a blank page.  What just happened?


Lance told me that I wasn't going into work and that we needed to get me to a doctor.  I called my insurance company just to assure myself that my insurance was no longer.  I found out that it was still there. (I don't know why I was told I no longer had insurance if this was the case? That's a whole different story.)


I called my OB/GYN and asked if there was an opening to come in as soon as possible.  I was told to come over in the next 45 minutes.


Lance and I went into the office and we were quickly called in.  I had an ultra sound and the doctor said that a baby was definitely forming.


She also said that I seemed heavy, but the chance of still being pregnant was possible.  Small, but possible.


I felt somewhat hopeful, but still wasn't assured that I was still pregnant.


Another lady came in and drew some blood.  She said that they would test it and see what my hcg levels were.  Then I'd have to go in again on Wednesday to re-test.  If the levels go up, I'm still pregnant.  If they are lower, I am not.


Today, I felt quiet and numb.


I've thought a lot about what some might think when going through this situation.


I would guess that some blame others?  I would guess that some would think something was wrong with them?


This thought came to me.  Although this is not the case for me, some might think that this happening could be a sign that they are not meant to be together.  That is not the case for me.  I've known some of my friends that have been in this situation but i thought of one couple in particular.
Steven and Kari Reimann.  I know, without a doubt, that they are meant to be.


But I believe everything happens for a reason.


I know that people miscarry because it wouldn't have been a healthy pregnancy.


The weirdest part is knowing that yesterday I was pregnant, and today I am not.


I haven't cried this much in a long time.


Today: 08.17.2011


As Lance and I have been talking, we both know that it could have been worse.  I could have been further along and could have formed a closer bond, which would have only made it more difficult to lose.


I received a phone call yesterday from the doctor being informed that my hcg levels were at a 6.  I was told that people have been pregnant at a number 5 before.


I went into the doctor this morning to get my blood drawn, again (to see if my hcg levels have changed).
I won't know the final results until tomorrow, but I still don't feel it.


I don't feel pregnant anymore.


It was a confirmation the second the doctor finished drawing my blood and looked me in the eyes and said, "We will find out tomorrow."  
Feeling like it was just a waste of money and paying for an answer that I already knew.


Walking out of the doctors office I felt queezy.  The elevator only made it worse, causing me to black out.  Although, I was till conscious (and could barely see) I walked out of the elevator and sat down on the bench before even contemplating getting into my car.  At least if I passed out, I wanted someone to know about it.  I sat down and looked at my phone.  I had 6 new messages of concern, love and support from those that know.  It made me feel so grateful to know that I have so many people who are willing to talk to me.


As I was driving home, I had a voice mail from my Grandma Hamblin (I wasn't going to tell grandparents I was even pregnant for a few more weeks).  I called her back and she was so happy!  "Oh, Kendra!  I heard the news!!" - I thought to myself, "which news?" and was curious who told her -  I said, "Did you hear it all?"  She replied, "Brooklyn, told me she had a secret then said she could tell me because I was family!  That's so exciting!"  As excited as I wished I could have been I informed her that I had lost it.  It was so hard.  I wanted so badly to be excited with her.  The second she mentioned Brooklyn my stomach dropped.


Now, I think the hardest part will be telling Brooklyn what happened.
Will she understand?
She's going to be devastated.


I hope this goes well...


Today: 08.18.2011


Brooklyn handled it better than I thought, although she was still sad.


I got my final results back from the doctor saying I was at a level 2.  There we have it.  Negative.


I'm hoping that by this happening, it won't take away from the excitement I want to have the next time we find out we will be having a new addition to our family.


I'm not writing this for sympathy, or for people to feel bad for me.  I'm writing this because it is an outlet where I can say how I feel.


I'm so grateful for my family and friends, and how supportive they've been to me.  I'm glad to have sisters that are willing to be there for me and friends that immediately jump at helping me feel better. You know who you are :)


I love that Rudy knows how I'm feeling.


I could not ask for a better husband.  I love how cute he was when he knew he'd be a daddy and how caring he is about my feelings when he knows this is a rough time.


I don't like to show when I'm sad because I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I've never liked that people will just blab about themselves for hours and not even ask how you are doing, so I don't like to bring it up unless I'm asked.  But I needed somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings.


There have been plenty of rough times in my life, but what doesn't kill you only make you stronger.  I know that for a fact.





Although I was only 5 weeks, I still grew somewhat attached.


I found a couple of poems online that helped make me feel better about things.


"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"


After reading this post a few times, at first I cried every time, now it just seems like I'm reading someone else's story.  When really, it's mine.