[.the best is yet to come.]

A few thoughts day-by-day...


December 30th, 2011
All day I've been having the urge to take a test sitting under my bathroom cabinet.  Lance told me just to wait a few more days cause otherwise it would just be a waste of money.  So I didn't.  But for any of you who know me, as Lance hopped in the shower I did it anyway.  Just a few hours ago I found out I was pregnant for the second time.  I'm not quite sure how to handle it.  I want to be excited.  Actually, I am excited.  It just makes me nervous thinking about what could happen.  Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks.  As of today, I feel that baby is a boy.  Right now, baby is the size of a poppyseed.


January 5th, 2012
At 4 weeks and 5 days baby already has a brain, backbone, and spine.  My first appointment is made for January 24th where we should be able to hear the heart beat!  I feel a little more comfortable now than I did the first couple days.  Probably mainly because Jake knows (and is the ONLY one)..and is praying for us.  At least that is my comforting thought :)  I'm dying not being able to tell anyone!  Buying fabric for Cortnie's blanket today was hard because all I wanted to do was talk about it.  But after about 6 hours, I'm finished with the announcement movie and being able to watch that seems to help.


January 7th, 2012
I'm dreading my first throw up, I'm already feeling it coming on.  Maybe it is just in my head??  But on a good note, baby is the size of an appleseed today and is developing a heart.  I'm starting to get the feeling baby will be a girl??  Gosh, I don't know.  Too bad I'm not one that knows right from the get-go.  


January 12th, 2012
I am now 1 week further along than I was with my first pregnancy and still praying for the best.  Today Lance told me I'm definitely acting pregnant.  I asked him which screw to put in the wall, and he said "how about we wait and do it later?" I replied back saying, "I'm going to use this screw and I'm going to do it now."  Today baby's limb buds are noticeable.


January 19th, 2012
I am feeling good!  Only every once in a while do I feel nauseous.  And it is barely anything.  I feel more tired than usual and feel like I need to eat something every hour.  I usually eat every 2-3 hours anyway so a few extra snacks a day is weird.  But I hear baby only needs an extra 300 calories a day, so I'm okay with that.  Even though I am still not convinced I am pregnant, today I am antsy to get the baby's room up and going!  I don't even have anything yet but, that's how it goes!  I'm ready to totally change up our second bedroom and have it ready!  Wow, if I'm already feeling this way, I have a long 200 and something days to go!  Rudy is laying on my stomach at the moment.  I wonder if he knows what is going on yet?  I bought a book for Lance called The Caveman's Pregnancy Companion.  Today baby's placenta begins to develop.  I really wish baby had a nickname besides just baby.  Hmm..maybe one day it will come.

January 23rd, 2012

Very excited for tomorrow.  At 7 1/2 weeks we should be able to hear the heartbeat!

January 24th, 2012

Today was weird.  We had our first appointment.  As I was having my ultrasound I was looking at the screen and didn't see anything.  I thought, "maybe I just don't know how to read it."  I immediately felt a sense of anxiety.  It felt like the blood was rushing out of my body and my vision started fading quickly.  My doctor was quite for a few seconds and then told me that maybe I wasn't as far along as calculations put me out to be.  He said that things looked fine but he was just a little concerned because he didn't see anything yet.  So he made me another appointment to meet next Tuesday for a sonogram.  We were supposed to hear the heart beat by today.  And when you don't hear a heartbeat, let alone even see a baby, it is a bit disappointing and depressing.  The doctor told me to sit tight and that it would be just a minute until they would take my blood.  Once he left, I started getting dressed as fast as I could.  I could feel myself blacking out and wanted to at least be dressed if I passed out.  Lance kept telling me to take my time but I just wanted to hurry and sit before I fell to the ground.  I sat down next to Lance and tried to focus on my breathing as I layed on his shoulder.  The other doctor came in and asked if I was okay and if I was afraid of needles.  Apparently I was really pale and green cause she gave me some orange juice to make me feel better.  No I am not afraid of needles, I was scared, somewhat in shock and somewhat in denial.  At that moment I still didn't feel pregnant and felt that I no longer would be.  I don't feel like myself.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't want to hear what people have to say.  I started spotting and was scared that I would miscarry right then and there, but stopped shortly after.

January 25th, 2012

Still spotting.  Slowly, but still happening.

January 26th, 2012

Still spotting.  Scared.  Don't feel like this is going to last.  Cramping like crazy.  I just want to lay in a ball on the couch all night.

January 27th, 2012

I woke up this morning at 3:21 with the biggest pain ever.  I knew at that moment that I was miscarrying.  I sat in bed for another 2 hours, hoping that it wasn't happening but knew it was.  I will never forget the moment I knew it was no longer real.  I cancelled a few clients to pull myself together and talk to my doctor.  I asked him if it was necessary to meet today or if I could just wait until our normal scheduled appointment for Tuesday.  I am extremely grateful for Lance and the love he has to offer me.  He is willing to do just about anything to make me happy.  I asked him for a blessing a few weeks ago (after finding out I was pregnant).  I feel that by having that blessing I have better handled the miscarriage than I did last time.  Although I am still extremely sad, I feel more comforted, I feel okay with what has happened, I feel that things will work out eventually, I know that it is all in the Lord's hands.  I've always thought, that if you go through something twice, maybe you didn't learn what you were supposed to the first time.  I feel that I have learned what I needed to.  I am entirely grateful for the love and support of everyone.  I am overwhelmed with friends and family offering to help.  I love you all.